Foxx's News Quickies

From Fishkill, New York

Police said a woman dressed as the Easter Bunny to promote a local candy shop was slammed to the ground by a man who then ran away.  In a related story, the WWE is slated this Sunday for a pay-per-view cage match between the Easter Bunny and Jesus.

From Cumming, Georgia

A man dislocated his jaw for 14 hours after trying to eat a super-sized sandwich.  Said that man after his 14 hour stint with his jaw stuck open, “Why did this have to happen to me in a city named Cumming?”

From San Diego, California

A performer who uses the stage name, Murrugun the Mystic, will attach a rocket motor to the hilt of a sword and shoot it straight down his throat at a local carnival.  Spectators will each receive a free t-shirt and a free ticket to Murrugun the Mystic’s funeral which is to be held immediately afterwards.

From Orlando, Florida

A 600-pound man with a long record of scamming restaurants and convenience stores was released on a no-contest plea to the relief of the state prosecutors, as the state would have had to pay to transport him to the courthouse from the nursing home where he’s been bed-ridden for months.  In a compromise for his punishment, a smoked ham will be suspended just out of his reach.

From London, England

Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a flight pushed in a wheelchair wearing sunglasses.  Airport officials confiscated the body, the women’s passports and their transcript of “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

From Phoenix, Arizona

A County Sheriff has started a program he calls “Pedal Vision,” in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets.  Unfortunately the only thing on the TVs is the rape scene from “The Shawshank Redemption”.

From Kandahar, Afghanistan

US military bases have banned on-base fast food outlets including Burger King, Pizza Hut, and T.G.I. Friday’s.  Additionally, the spokesman for TGI Friday’s, Guy Fieri, is scheduled to be executed by a firing squad on charges of being an annoying douche bag.

From Copenhagen, Denmark

Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery went on strike to protest a company decision to limit beer drinking at work lunch breaks only.  Said the president of the brewery, “It is our hope that this will elevate the level of excellence in our product.” He then asked if anyone could help him wash off the dick drawn on his face with a black marker.

From San Francisco, California

In addition to recently approving rules against using plastic grocery bags, mixing recycling with compost, and smoking in sidewalk cafes, San Francisco city supervisors have passed a resolution asking residents to observe meatless Mondays.  The resolution to keep meat out of your mouth is expected to cause major issues in SF’s Castro district.

From Ridley Township, Pennsylvania

Police are searching for a man who shoplifted $600 worth of Rogaine.  Police sketch artists have released a photo of Cousin It.